I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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