I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
