He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
