i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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