I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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