My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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