i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
