The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we're making bets on your personal life
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
