Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
