wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
