Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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