My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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