Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
babies were throwing up all over the place
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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