Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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