Where are you?
In a non slutty way
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
