i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
