shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
