well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
