i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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