I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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