Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
