I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
