So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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