I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
