We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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