we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
