my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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