I faked an abortion last night.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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