Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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