God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
