i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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