this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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