it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
