I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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