The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
