my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
