No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
