Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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