I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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