Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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