Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
