yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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