apparently the secret to your success is patron
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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