Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
