It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
