my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
