either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
