i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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