it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
