I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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