I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
