I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
